Why We Choose Not to Marry: Keeping the Romance Alive After 20 Years Together

Why We Choose Not to Marry: Keeping the Romance Alive After 20 Years Together

In a world where legal marriage is often seen as the ultimate goal for a long-term couple, my partner and I have chosen a different path. We have been living together for 20 years, completely committed to each other, yet we are legally single.

To the Japanese government, our relationship is treated as a "Common-law marriage" (<i> Jijitsukon)</i>. I must say, Japanese local municipalities have evolved wonderfully in recent years, now recognizing de facto couples and providing us with quasi-marital legal protections without the rigid constraints of a traditional marriage certificate.

But people often ask us: "Since you are a heterosexual couple with the legal option to marry, why haven't you?"

For same-sex couples, alternatives like "civil unions" or "domestic partnerships" exist often because they are denied the right to marry. But for us, having the choice to marry and actively choosing not to is a deliberate, philosophical decision.

Actually, we did get married once. But within just three months, we realized something crucial: legal marriage made us complacent. The moment we registered our marriage, that unspoken pressure to keep trying, to keep impressing each other, began to fade. We realized that the legal "safety net" of marriage can sometimes make couples stop putting in the effort.

So, we decided to divorce and step back into a common-law relationship.

For the past two decades, we have lived with a healthy, beautiful tension. Knowing that either of us could technically walk away at any time keeps us on our toes. It brings a subtle, exciting butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling to our everyday life. Because there is no legal obligation holding us together, we constantly make a conscious effort to be someone the other person wants to stay with. We choose to love each other every single day.

Of course, there are practical reasons too. We are both remarried, and we wanted to avoid any future legal complications. We don't have children, and my partner deeply appreciated not having to go through the massive paperwork hassle of changing her last name. For us, the traditional legal benefits of marriage simply didn't outweigh our freedom.

When it comes to social media like Facebook, we often debate between setting our status to "Married" or "In a Relationship." "Married" captures the 20-year depth of our life together, but it hides our philosophy. "In a Relationship" keeps the romantic vibe alive, but it can make it look like we don't live together.

But regardless of a digital status button, what matters is the reality we build. We don't need a piece of paper from the government to define our bond. Our choice to remain common-law spouses is our way of ensuring that we never stop dating, never stop trying, and never take each other for granted.